My Life Without Me

I started my 30 workout trial on Thursday, October 27, 2005. I started it with a nice long walk of 2 hours. More because I had to than wanted to but it was refreshing. My right foot started to hurt a lot by the time I was close to home. Turns out I have strained something in my foot and it is onto day 3 now and it still hurts like a bitch. So walking is temporarily off the schedule. So I will be focusing on other leg exersizes and stomach muscles. All I am really doing is crunches with my feet in the air. I weighed 180 on Thursday, 177 on Friday, and 177 today, Saturday. (I have to defend myself and say that I do not look like I weigh 180 lbs.. I already have a good bit of muscle, but the fact still remains that I am not satisfied with the amount. In saying that, I am sore! I like it though because I know that the muscles are being worked and I have a better idea of which ones are being worked with the different things I do. I even pump my legs when I am sitting down, even now I am doing it. The trick is to do it nice and slow so that way it works the muscles even harder. Anyone can sit and pump their legs a million times a minute, but they are just using momentum and not muscle tension. I know a lot of this because I am a former Marine, and have done more than my fair share of workouts. I consider this a bitof an unfair advantage over the average person because I have a better idea of the results that can be expected from diferent exersises.

In any case, I will shortly begin my workout for today, Saturday. Then move on with the rest of the day hobbling around on my sore foot. Damn it all. What a stupid injury to get. I must need better shoes. I know I need better shoes. Wish me Luck!

So I have decided to start my own 30 day trial, but this is for working out. Mostly stomach muscle, it's where I need the most help. So I will be starting a seperate category for just that. Please feel free to root me on. I will let you know of my ongoing progress (or lack there of).

Woke up and mom is cooking pancakes. I thought to myself,"Is it Sunday already?" She must have just been chipper because it is in fact Saturday. What a great way to start the day! I will be mailing off Mike's package today, so he should get it Monday or Tuesday. I'm soo excited to see if he likes it. If he doesn't I guess that will tell me a lot about him though.

Well, I'm very busy and I must go.

Ciao!

I finally saw my therapist last night. I feel like a brand new person. I don't know what it is about her, but talking with anyone else just isn't the same. She's like a drug! I just lay out all of my stresses and she makes them seem so simple and disposable. I just wish I could go back to seeing her every week , but it's just too expensive! I hate it when something so stupid impedes progress on something so important.

As far as more info about Bipolar, I want to see if anyone out there thinks they know something about it:

What was the original name for Bipolar?

You don't win anything but my sincere admiration.

I was playing guitar yesterday and started to hash out some quick parts to a new song. I love doing stuff like that. Learning other songs is okay and good for entertainment, but I love to try something of my own. Being able to do that is awesome. I have found a lot of happiness in just using my own two hands to create something new that no one has ever done.

Continuing on what I started yesterday, about bipolar, I thought I would give some more information about this mysterious disease. First of all, it is a disease. It's in the brain and it causes an imbalance in the chemicals that stabilize mood and thought. Bipolar means exactly what it implies, two poles. Two different kinds of states, one being Mania, the other being Depression. Depression is pretty well known as a state of feeling down and having a very negative view of yourself and the world around you. Nothing seems to make you happy. This state can spiral down to the point of suicide if not treated with therapy and possibly the help of medication. Mania is not as well known, but it is a state of constant euphoria and motion. Most people in this state have insomnia (not being able to sleep), difficulty sitting still, they are always doing something, thoughts of grandure, inhibitions are usually gone, promiscuity (in some cases, not all), and a scewed vision of right and wrong. A bipolar person is constantlay going from one pole to the other. Some people have a mild case of this and don't experience the extremes of these two poles. Myself, on the other hand, experience the full effects of both poles. With the help of my therapist and medications, I am able to live a normal life. Sort of. There are still many anxieties that I am still learning to cope with, such as, I can't go into crowded stores. I start to panic and I can't think of anything but getting out. I can't breathe I start to tremble and feel the overwhelming urge to start crying. I can't consentrate very well, which is what has kept me out of work for almost a year now, along with the fact that I can't even handle stress.

Hopefully this has helped someone understand something more about bipolar disease. If anyone is interested in knowing more just let me know. I may start a new category just about bipolar so the information will be there for anyone.

Something happened yesterday that proves that when communication stops, chaos begins. Actually an all out scream match. My ears are still ringing. I shouldn't like to make that mistake again any time soon.

I also only have a few days left till I go to spend a couple days over at my friend Holly's. I love taking those couple of days to hang out with her and just relax. We always have such a good time messing around and trying to think of the most awful events that could ever happen to a single person.

Pills are no fun. I take pills in the morning and in the evening. Five different kinds, ten pills total. All that to keep me saine. Yes, I am bipolar and I've noticed that it has been getting more attention from the media lately. A couple mental problems have actually. Cutting is another one that has afflicted me in the past. This is the act of cutting ones self to release inner mental pain amoung other reasons. It's not very pretty and I have the scars to prove it. But I am doing better thanks to five meds and ten pills.

Isn't it amazing that such tiny little things can such a major impact on ones life? It is all that stands between myself and insanity, cutting, and worse, suicide. Yes, suicide. I have tried twice this past year, once in January and again in April. I cut myself up with a razor blade in May. Three hospital stays and lord knows how many different medications they put me on. There is nothing that I can do about any of this except do my best to never let it happen again. Bipolar is a disease that is in my brain so it will something that I will have to fight for the rest of my life. Although it would be so much easier to just give in and let it all take over, but I would spend the rest of my life in a state hospital. I don't plan on ever going back. It's not all fun like some movies make it out to be, it's much worse.

Rainy days. Nothing as cold as that. Does it bring about sad memories about childhood days left behind? Days spent sitting around waiting for Mr. Sunshine only to be shut down by mud. Let the children play. God made dirt, so dirt doesn't hurt. An old phrase to justify ruined school clothes.

I have a very close friend who is absolutely awsome. She is always pointing out how odd it was that we became friends. Two very different people on the surface, but very much alike under it all. Had we never started talking, who would have known that we would have become such perfect friends. We both hate chicks, and enjoy a dark sense of humor. Not to mention the love of strange cartoon characters that always end up dead somehow. ( www.happytreefriends.com ) Holly, you rock!!

Healthy anger, it doesn't last long for me. I don't know why, it just doesn't. It's a visitor that only stops by for the weekend and then leaves leaving their mess behind for me to clean up.

There is something about fridays that is like a breath of fresh air. You can relax, you made it through another week. Counting them down until the end.

Nothing really clever to say today. I'm just tired and wish that I could be doing a couple other things besides hanging around here. Today I am stuck with unwanted company. *SCREAM* I still don't feel any better. I just might deside to come back and write more later, if I even get a chance.

Walking away from everything familiar trekking to find something more. What a joke. Wishing you were someone else but not able to pull the filth that is your life off your skin. Anger is all you have left now, your other senses are all but gone. Smash it all.

Woke up early as usual, but I am now being forced to parade around to make someone feel like he's got me dancing around like a puppet. Alpha male status. Fuck that. I may do things asked of me but I do not have to give any heart into any of it. I don't even want it to look in my direction. My skin crawls having to pass through the same space. Strike away cold reptile, I'm ready this time with my immunity, it wont be like before. My scars have healed and now they are my armor. Control freak.

What was that you said? You're not feeling well today? Alice through the looking glass and falling down the rabbit hole. Reach up. Can you feel it? Time slipping through your fingers. You linger in the moment but it's already past and and leaving you quicker than it came. You look around and discover nothing is the way that it should be. Nothing feels right. Your second hand life that was bought while you were sleeping with the tears that you've been saving. Saving for something much more meaningful than the plastic, dishwasher safe, life you've received. You hang your head in your hands to cry only to have dust falls through your fingers. You want to fall to pieces but there is no where to fall. You have reached bottom with no where to go. You want to keep yourself from thinking of words like alone, scared, and dying. They seem to scratch at your brain wanting to break into your soul that is hiding in the deepest reaches of your heart. It's all you've been left with at the end of the day and it's been handed to you in plastic wrap with a sticker saying it expired 5 years ago. How did it get this bad you ask? When you weren't looking, you thought everything was okay. All was taken from you like a sickness that comes in the night.