My Life Without Me

Therapy is going well. I have made major steps in trying to get life back to normal. Normal... what a word. I guess Ishould use a word more like "whole" or "wholesome". Normal is not what it used to be. There really is no normal anymore. As if I was telling you something you didn't already know.

Life has gone around me and done a 180. I have started dating someone about 8 mo.s ago. Things have really been going well there. I started a real job again, meaning a 9-5 make $12 an hour kinda job. Not what I had hoped for at this point in my life, but not too bad either for what I've been through. That is my therapist talking.

 I think I need to go to bed now. Gotta get up to make the doughnuts early. lol, eh, not so funny.

I don't even know where to start. I can't really think right now, I haven't had coffee yet.

Well I started to reread a book that I bought years ago, but still haven't finished. It's such a complicated book though. It's called House of Leaves. I recommend it to anyone who likes a challenge. When you take a look at the book you will know exactly what I mean. It just get's stranger as it goes on.

I think that is really it for now.

So it's been quite a while since I last made an entry. Not much has changed. Things are still slowly improving, although the stress from a particular person is still there. I think he was reffered to as a snake in some earlier entry. Step parents suck, at least mine does right now.

Anyho, I will be going to my friend Holly's house this coming Friday! Yay! I get to stay until Tuesday too! Can you tell that I am very excited about seeing her? I am also excited to get out of the house for a period of time. I can't stand being cooped up all the time. I can go for walks, but with no car I am very limited.

I will hopefully be going back to work on a part time basis so I can make some cash of my own. Yay! I have my reservations still, and my fears. I want to say that I am all gung ho for it, but I am just frozen with fear sometimes. Stupid fears, like being around too many people at one time, not being good enough, losing the job, being fired!, did I mention being around too many people I don't know? Yeah, they all sound stupid but agoraphobia is very real, and just compouds the troubles I have just being Bipolar. I don't even know what will happen, but I still run all these negtive events through my head till I want to break down and cry. I actually start to feel like my life is in jepordy. That's when it starts to really effect my life.

Well that's enough fun for today kids! Gotta run.

Up nicw and early and I'm giving orange juice a chance to prove it's self in my morning rutine. We'll see how long it lasts. I give it till right after I am done doing my blog before I substitute for coffee.

I have been a manicy this past weekend. I have gotten a couple old projects done that I have been wanting to get done for a while. I also started to work on a project that I want to do in order to get me back into my knitting so I can finish these scarves before christmas.

Having a hard time waking up this morning, but a cup of coffee should do the trick. Okay the mind just doesn't want to work today.

Somehow getting 10 hours of sleep is a bad thing.

Well, each day is getting easier, thank goodness! I may start to kick it up a bit now that I am heading into week 2. I have added weights to my arm exersises and leg lifts to my stomach exersises. I still can't do any real walking because of my right foot, damn it. I still need to get new sneakers, better sneakers. I still haven't started to lose any signifigant weight, although I think that has something to do with my period coming soon. (As if you all wanted to know that) That can be a factor considering you hold onto water weight during that time, so don't get down on yourself if you see a weight gain, or no loss at all. That is about all I have to share at this time. Just stay away from left over Halloween candy!! Give it all to the neighbors kid, take it into work and let them get fat. Now, that's it.

My visit with my friend Holly went well. We had an awesome time goofing off and playing games. It always takes me a couple days to et back on a normal sleep schedule after I visit her though. Mainly because there isn't a lot of sleeping going on. Even now I am yawning and it's 9am.

Well I am very busy and I have a couple more scarves to finish before christmas. He he, I love it when I do this to myself, not! First it was just for a couple people, now I have added like 5 more people. Very busy.

I started my 30 workout trial on Thursday, October 27, 2005. I started it with a nice long walk of 2 hours. More because I had to than wanted to but it was refreshing. My right foot started to hurt a lot by the time I was close to home. Turns out I have strained something in my foot and it is onto day 3 now and it still hurts like a bitch. So walking is temporarily off the schedule. So I will be focusing on other leg exersizes and stomach muscles. All I am really doing is crunches with my feet in the air. I weighed 180 on Thursday, 177 on Friday, and 177 today, Saturday. (I have to defend myself and say that I do not look like I weigh 180 lbs.. I already have a good bit of muscle, but the fact still remains that I am not satisfied with the amount. In saying that, I am sore! I like it though because I know that the muscles are being worked and I have a better idea of which ones are being worked with the different things I do. I even pump my legs when I am sitting down, even now I am doing it. The trick is to do it nice and slow so that way it works the muscles even harder. Anyone can sit and pump their legs a million times a minute, but they are just using momentum and not muscle tension. I know a lot of this because I am a former Marine, and have done more than my fair share of workouts. I consider this a bitof an unfair advantage over the average person because I have a better idea of the results that can be expected from diferent exersises.

In any case, I will shortly begin my workout for today, Saturday. Then move on with the rest of the day hobbling around on my sore foot. Damn it all. What a stupid injury to get. I must need better shoes. I know I need better shoes. Wish me Luck!

So I have decided to start my own 30 day trial, but this is for working out. Mostly stomach muscle, it's where I need the most help. So I will be starting a seperate category for just that. Please feel free to root me on. I will let you know of my ongoing progress (or lack there of).

Woke up and mom is cooking pancakes. I thought to myself,"Is it Sunday already?" She must have just been chipper because it is in fact Saturday. What a great way to start the day! I will be mailing off Mike's package today, so he should get it Monday or Tuesday. I'm soo excited to see if he likes it. If he doesn't I guess that will tell me a lot about him though.

Well, I'm very busy and I must go.

Ciao!